Tuesday, 10 January 2012
New Years Resolutions
Grief is an obscure thing.
I am not sure that upset covers it, trying to be strong and move forward but it hasn't been easy.
Going from being fine to bursting into tears at even the slightest trigger, someone just being nice or giving you a pitying look but never really knowing the full extent to which you loved that person and how much they meant to you.
It has made Christmas quite a trying time, the obvious missing presence and the sadness each one of us felt mixed with the guilt of laughing and trying to carry on as normal. The reality hitting you as you open the gift from her, the time and effort she had put in to make it and the fact she is not there to see how much you liked it. Really thought she would be here for this one and that this feeling would be put off till next year.
If I had just gone home that weekend to see her like I said I would... if I had gone home when I heard she was in hospital... if I hadn't underestimated the seriousness of her condition.
Kinda want to retreat into just being with immediate family and friends in the know and not wanting to face others for fear of "going on about it".
What really gets to me is the guilt for not putting in as much effort as I could have done and dedicating much more thought to Gran now than I did when she was alive.
So in terms of looking forward and making these resolutions I don't want to make a whole lot of false promises about fitness or weight or money but really what has been highlighted as the most important is that "I do what I say I am going to do!" at least it should be managable and will incorporate the values my Gran had. She was such a considerate person, anything she did had careful thought behind it. She was the center of our family.
I loved my Gran very much and how fortunate that she was so involved in my life and that there are so many happy memories. I hope even in death I can make her proud. rxx